Abstract
Purpose
This paper locates itself within the tradition of autoethnography to explore the emotional,
ethical and embodied complexities of revisiting trauma, not the original traumatic event,
but its unexpected resurfacing many years later. It seeks to examine how trauma is
reactivated through acts of disclosure and performance and how such moments
reconfigure relationships to self, memory and vulnerability.
Design/methodology/approach
Adopting an evocative autoethnographic approach, the paper introduces a tripartite
analytic framework of anticipation, disclosure and aftermath to conceptualise the
temporal, psychological and relational dimensions of narrating trauma. The disclosure
moment is situated within a keynote lecture, which operates simultaneously as
performance, confession and risk. The analysis draws on personal histories of sporting
identity, military service, psychological collapse and recovery, mobilising narrative,
memory, humour and cultural reflection.
Findings
The paper demonstrates that trauma is layered, cumulative and culturally embedded rather
than singular or episodic. It illustrates how masculinity, performance and vulnerability
intersect in the construction and deconstruction of the self, and how revisiting trauma can
generate unforeseen emotional consequences rather than resolution or closure.
Research limitations/implications
As an autoethnographic account, this research does not aim for generalisability. Instead,
it offers conceptual insight into how trauma re-emerges across time and context,
contributing to ongoing debates concerning ethics, reflexivity and the limits of narrative
repair in qualitative research.
Practical implications
The paper highlights the risks and responsibilities associated with public disclosure of
traumatic experience, particularly within academic and professional settings. It cautions
against romanticised assumptions of therapeutic outcomes while demonstrating how
autoethnography can provide a reflective space for meaning-making.
Social implications
By foregrounding vulnerability within traditionally masculine domains such as sport
and the military, the paper challenges dominant cultural narratives of resilience,
stoicism and recovery. It invites broader conversations about how trauma is lived,
narrated and witnessed within social and institutional contexts.
Originality/value
This study offers an original temporal framework for understanding the revisitation of
trauma through autoethnographic disclosure. Rather than claiming therapeutic triumph,
it positions revisiting trauma as a conduit for thinking, feeling and connecting, a space
where hope may tentatively take root without guarantees of resolution.